Regimental Sergeant-Major Riverston sat with his back to the venetian blinds in his office. They slatted the light over his balding shaven head and the passing cars in the street flashed sun filled metallic reflections across its shiny surface, making him look like a neon sign, or, occasional saint.
He gazed at the aging picture of a much younger queen on the opposite, otherwise bare and institutionalized army wall, and thought his army thoughts: parades not quite up to scratch, uniforms not starched enough, dirty boots and weapons and a myriad of other dissatisfactions that fill the void, until a well earned retirement from (spare me the laughter) a University Reserve Regiment, which is, as everyone knows, a professional soldier’s graveyard!
He concentrated, picking at his somewhat red and bulbous nose, the product of many army nights in the Sergeants’ Mess over a beer, or six, and reminded himself that it was two minutes til his appointment with a new incoming transfer by the name of, wait for it, Private Eastman Hyphen Flaming Nagle.
“Geezus what a mouthful! How would you be carrying that bit of luggage around all your life”, he mumbled to himself as he rifled through the pile of files sitting on his desk. “Shit! Is it under ‘E’ or ‘N’? Why can’t he be happy with just one name for Chrissake......?
There was a knock and the R.S.M., who by now had found the delinquent and disorderly file, turned and gave the door a commanding “Come In!”, in that gravelly tone that all Sergeant-Majors affect, by deliberately stripping three-quarters of their vocal chords on regimental parade grounds too large to shout across for long, without damage.
“Ah, Private Nagle..." He put on his most authoritative and forbidding look; the one you use when you have no nice youthful looks left to lose. The light flashed once more over his balding and shaven pate, as he belatedly raised his eyes from the file to the handsome young man entering the office.... “Take a seat!”
“Private Eastman-Nagle, Sir”, the young man breezily corrected, with that voice and manner that says, 'nice' family and private education', especially to those who lack them.
“Oh very well!” growled the R.S.M, half crossly, half incredulous, at the sheer cheek of this jumped up snot nosed uni-bloody-versity student in uniform, “Take two seats then!”
Unlike the
RAN and Army, the RAAF do not have as much trouble recruiting and
retaining officers and troops. Maybe it’s due to their new series of
bumber stickers?
1. Air Force - If its too hard, contract it.
2. Air Force - It doesn’t suck as much as the Army or Navy.
3. Air Force - Because I wasn’t into swimming, bastardization or dressing like the KKK.
4. Air Force - Because I had a sense of humour.
5. Air Force - Civilians in uniform!
6. Air Force - 8 to 5, Monday to Friday.
7. Air Force - If you think trained monkeys can do our job…..you’re right.
8. Air Force - Learn a trade. One day you might want a real job.
9. Air Force - Beats working!
10. Air Force - Its not a joke. No, really!
11. Air Force - Our clowns have more medals than Ronald McDonald.
12. Air Force - Where the frontline is at Frontline!
13. Air Force - Our chicks are better looking and mainly straight.
14. Air Force - We won’t make you walk to war.
15. Air Force - Because the Magistrate said it was this or jail.
16. Air Force - Thief is such an ugly word, we prefer Creative Acquisition Specialists.
17. Air Force - Yeah, we think ADGies are “special people” too.
18. Air Force - If you’re in it for the money…..quit!
19. Air Force - What are IR laws???!!
20. Air Force - Prozac helps.
21. Air Force - Flying your dollar further.
22. Air Force - You too can be a tool on MySpace.
23. Air Force - Who gives a shit?
24. Air Force - If you wear Rayban “Aviators” trying to look like Maverick, we’ll bitch-slap you!
APPLICATION FOR AUSTRALIAN CITIZENSHIP
THE MONKEY STORY
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, an officer from the local RAAF base came in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $2000, please."
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can rig aircraft flight controls, pass the RAAF fitness test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or complaints. it's well worth the money."
The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more expensive! $10000!! What does it do?", he asked.
"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer' monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed."
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. This time the price tag was $50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it do?"
"Actually," said the shopkeeper," I've never really seen him do anything but drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's a Pilot."
Military Humour
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.